HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
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Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I can’t deal with men any longer
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
where do you see yourself in five years?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice