Today’s Times
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Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
no their not
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.