“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
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Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Oh thanks BBC.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.