ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
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[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
the composer
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished