“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
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You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I hope this email finds you in a well
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
crying
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way