You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
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Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.