[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
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due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training