I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
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Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Succinctly put.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
#parenting
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.