Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
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Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Stop being racist to kettles.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED