Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
oh my god
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*