Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
You Might Also Like
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
*updates tinder bio*
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Oh thanks BBC.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.