Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
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Oh, I bet you would be
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
True
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them