*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
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Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog