William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
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Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Why am I like this?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.