If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
You Might Also Like
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.