The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
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Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]