If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
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In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I am HOWLING at this
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*