The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
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What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.