ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.