By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
mom gave me mine for free
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you