Bond. Trauma bond.
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if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Is anyone gonna tell them?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.