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Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Spa day..😅
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.