“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
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Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up