Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I’m not proud
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.