Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
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83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.