I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
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If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
scrabbled eggs
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
The government even made aliens boring
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.