Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on