Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
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People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
How it started: How it’s going:
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
fr
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.