Light as a feather, smorg as a board
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Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation