It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
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Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Woke up with morning Yule Log
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
What is going on? 😅
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]