I come from a time of excessive Durans.
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You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
They got a point!
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Oh my god
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’