[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
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[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
bugs when you lift up a rock
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.