earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I saw nothing
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.