Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.