Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
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My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
The options really are this bad
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.