“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.