Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
You Might Also Like
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Pat is about to own someone
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.