Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting š„°
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
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[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldnāt say he loved making toast in the bath
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, Iād like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
On Halloween Iāll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
āYou put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.ā – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isnāt illegal but Iām listening
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Perfect.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I donāt know about eating 8 spiders a year but Iām definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell āhallucinationsā should I be worried? Itās probably fine
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Iām supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh Iām almost 13 – Iām 6.
My 4yo: *casually* Iām 15.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* GarƧon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: EntrƩes?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.