Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
When your man makes a valid point
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Well well well…
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.