this is the greatest thing ever
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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
No laws when master is gone
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.