I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
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her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Not messing around
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
tourist season
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
how long have you had this for?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*