Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
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Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again