My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
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Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
The first one, obviously
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
*jingles half the way*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.