Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Love it! 👍😂
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.