I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
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If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
True.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My dating profile:
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!