Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
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If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Guys, I found it.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe