It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
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Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants