I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
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Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.