When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
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“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
This kid is going places
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
giddy up Office Depot
Would you wear it?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.