What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Huge, if true.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.